uncertainty

Crew had his first cold two weeks ago. I felt terrible. I didn't know if it was because of somewhere I had taken him or because of not washing my hands before I touched his face or any one of several causes for his sneezes and stuffy nose. All I knew was he had trouble sleeping when he was lying flat and he was pitiful. I was totally unprepared for his first sickness. I didn't know what medicine to give him or even if he could have any. I felt so helpless to him. For a day or two he napped sleeping upright on our chests just so that he could breathe.

We traveled this week for Thanksgiving. We went up to Illinois for Crew to meet his third great grandma and family. It was so special for him to finally meet his Mawmaw and spend some time up there. But, the traveling and extra attention he had while we were there did him in. He was fussy in Illinois. We've never had a fussy baby. Once we got back to Memphis on Thanksgiving morning, he was just exhausted...even after sleeping the entire four-hour drive home. We spent Thanksgiving day at my parents' house for lunch with the family. By the time we were ready to eat, Crew had become inconsolable. He was screaming. It was a cry I had never heard from my sweet, sweet baby before and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what was wrong. He had just nursed twice within an hour of each other. The second time calmed him, but it wasn't long before he got worked up again. My mom tried to help him, Will tried, my dad tried. Nothing was working. His crying was hurting me. I felt so inadequate. We have been so blessed with such an "easy" baby that I didn't know what to do at this point. My mom handed Crew to me and he seemed to relax a little bit. I just held him close and walked around and he finally stopped crying and eventually went to sleep. He slept for 6 hours straight that afternoon...and still slept through the night. My poor baby was literally just exhausted from the overstimulation of traveling, being in a new place and meeting new people. He even slept much more the next morning and afternoon.

Just as Crew experiences "firsts" everyday, I do too. With firsts like these, and the many more to come, I know I will have more feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty. Motherhood is different than I ever imagined. Harder and better all the same. It's in the moments that he calms down when he's given to me that I feel I must be doing something right. I must be doing something right for him to feel comforted in my arms. I'm his mother. What a blessing. Just as I looked to my mother in the times of uncertainty with a sick or inconsolable baby, Crew looks to me to calm him when he's exhausted beyond belief. I have no idea what I'm doing much of the time. Crew doesn't know that. Crew doesn't know that his mother is still learning with him and just guessing much of the time. To him, I'm a source of comfort and he's ignorant to all of my shortcomings. Oh, am I grateful! I've never honored a title so much: Crew's mother.

"Dear Lord, thank You for the advice that gets me through, and for helping me find beauty in the most challenging times."

-Sabra Ciancanelli